Answering Stuff: Which Real Housewife Would Make the Best President?
October 12, 2016
Time for Answering Stuff! In this critical time in our nation, we tackle the big Q: which Real Housewife should be Prez?
Each week I allow my faithful readers to ask me questions. None are too trivial or batshit for me to answer. And this week, I got a great one from Benjamin in Chicago. In the midst of this horrid election, he's wondering:
Which Real Housewife would make the best President?
This is a great question, Benjamin. It's easy to write this one off with a "BEN! *liT-ruhlLy* any of them would be better than Trump!!!" But you asked a question, Benjamin, and you deserve a complete answer. Let's dig in.
A disclaimer: this doesn't include like every Housewife that ever Housewifed, but I'm in charge and I include who I feel like. Also: this is a question answered with love. I love this franchise. I love these people. This is written with love.
I think the easiest way to do this is to break it down by category until we get to our final nominees.
Sorry, Yolanda Hadid, Lisa Vanderpump, and like half of the cast of Miami: your birthplaces prevent you from taking the highest office in the land. Not so sorry Carlton Gebbia, because I think you would make a horrible president, and also I want to believe that the people of the U.S. would not elect anyone who named their children Mysteri, Destiny, and Cross.
Also not sorry to Meghan King Edmonds. At the current age of 32 she does not yet meet the age requirements to be President, but if we're all being honest she's just far too boring to be president of anything.
The Technically Eligible, But Dismissed Immediately
This is all of the New Jersey cast, for various reasons including felony charges, prison sentences, mob connections, being the most likely to flip a table at any given moment, and middle America just not being ready for a Jersey gal in the Oval Office.
The 'Is This Really Happening?' Candidate That Inexplicably Wins a Primary or Two, Drunkenly Calls Her Opponent A "Fat Fuckwad," Falls Mercilessly Apart, but Keeps Barreling Along With One Heel Missing
These are the candidates that wouldn't necessarily bring death and destruction to the new world order, but would either get bored and drop out and/or are too dumb or boring to win anyway. They include: Eileen, Kyle Richards, Lizzie, Gretchen, Jeanna, Kelly Bensimon, Adrienne Maloof, Heather Thomson, Claudia Jordan, Robyn Dixon, Kristen Taekman, Jules, Kathryn,all of D.C., and a bunch of other ones that I'm too bored to keep listing.
The One Whose Coke Dealer Would End Her Run .2 Seconds After Her Announcement
The Way Too...Housewife to Win
Looking at you, Vicki Gunvalson, Lisa Rinna, Kelly Dodd, Porsha Williams, Kenya Moore, and Camille Grammar.
The Too Seemingly Dumb But Actually Too Smart To Want the Job
Also known as the FUCK THAT! candidates: Kim Zolciak, Kandi Burress, and Tamra Judge.
The Aww, I Love You So Much, But Noooo :(
Ramona, Phaedra, Kim Richards, Shannon, and Sonja!? You'll always be my girls. Just not my prez.
The Probable Sociopath Whose Deranged Noises Would Become a Viral Video Too Damning to Come Back From
Countess LuAnn de Lesseps
Candidate I Wish Could Win But Probably Couldn't
I think that Erika Jayne could make a pretty great president, but sadly her sexy blonde ass would be too much for the White House. She's a bad bitch who would likely make moves to improve women's rights in the U.S. (the moment I went from liking her to loving her was when she described the O.J. Simpson trial as the Nicole Brown murder). She also has respect for the public servants of the country and doesn't seem to have forgotten where she came from despite knowing how to get what she wants from the wealthy, and I really believe she would surround herself with a smart team that she wouldn't be too proud to defer to.
It's a little ironic that I'm calling her unable to win because of her unapologetic attitude towards sex appeal and her hit moves like "Pat the Puss," which during this election seems downright Christian, but. Well. You know.
The Serious Contenders
Let's get down to business.
I'm about to get a little too real with you. Do you think Heather Dubrow is gunning for a political career? And would it be...a...Republican career? The more I've been thinking about all of this, the more it seems like a legitimate possibility.
Terry is probably torn. On one hand, it's a ton of exposure, influence, and more opportunity for him to get his goofy little mug out there. On the other, he would probably have to be around his children more often. It's a toss up. But for Heather? Has all of this faux moral outrage and immaculate grooming and house building been leading up to turning her into an almost ideal candidate for wealthy white Republican women? She is the coiffed actress turned mother turned Housewife turned businesswoman who can look polished while reading a speech about raising her children to succeed, just like all of us full-blooded Americans can and should. She can lean towards the left on social issues while issuing vague statements about the importance of hard work and bankers just being people, too. Plus she can be conniving enough to get what she wants from a few Congressional colleagues.
She'd have to answer a few questions about her champagne doorbell, but nothing she couldn't laugh off (without any visible laugh lines). I don't know how jazzed she would be about the idea at first, because I think she does realize how difficult being a politician could be on the family, and also because I do think that Terry has more of a need for fame than she does. But you heard it here first, Benjamin. Some up and coming politico is going to pitch the idea to her, and if they do a good enough job, she might take the bait.
She wouldn't make a great President, though. Let's move on.
Carole Radziwill obviously comes to mind. She has the Kennedy connections, she's not a total lunatic, and she probably has the most cool points of any Housewife. She's the proverbial "you could have a beer with her" candidate. She also has a pretty legitimate career history in journalism.
I'd like to take you back, though, to the minor character arc during Season 7 in which Carole runs for her condo board. I love her, but the woman just doesn't have it in her. And this season's reunion? She remained mostly silent for it. She'd never be able to match the crazy of a 10-person primary debate, mostly because she just couldn't muster enough energy to care.
Moving on. Let's get to our "tell it like it is" candidates, Nene Leakes and Bethenny Frankel. I think both would run under that kind of platform: they're successful entrepreneurs who have started from nothing and got to where they are by having a good head on their shoulders and, of course, always saying what's on their mind.
With Bethenny, though, it doesn't always come across as genuine. I think she is ultimately a more broken and lonely soul than Nene, and tells it like it is to make statements rather than because it just is how she is. That makes her more vulnerable to moments like she had in the Berkshires this year, where she flies off the handle saying things she probably doesn't really mean. This could be disastrous on the campaign trail. And, you know, in things like dealing with world leaders.
Nene is more genuine. Go back and watch the first episode of Atlanta. Nene IS Nene. She comes in, lips poppin', perhaps the most natural Housewife of all time. The ups and downs the Housewife life have (somewhat) mellowed her rather than making her more hard and brittle. Her sass is self-aware, and this would be a huge asset on the campaign trail, provided she can control herself to walk that fine line between sass and gaffe. If she could make it into the office (and this is obviously a huge if that should be taken with the same grain of salt with which this entire post is written), I think she'd have the ability to wrangle a few unexpected deals into place. I can also see her having an energizing presence with the younger generation of the country; speaking to them frankly about issues like race and class and maybe encouraging people to use the resources they have to get involved and grow into the people they're supposed to be.
For what it's worth, #ImWithHer. Duh. But in a world where Housewives were running for the Oval Office? Nene Leakes would have my vote. God bless the U.S.A.
I realize this answer ran a little long, but we do have time for one more question from Marcy in Little Rock. She's wondering:
If you could be the backup singer for one song, which would it be?
Thank you for your question, Marcy. The answer is In The Ghetto, as performed by Elvis Presley.
Please remember!!! You can ask me anything. I will answer it. You can remain anonymous. Get in touch with your questions at email@example.com.